Wake Me Up When September Ends...

I don't really know what to put here...

Things were going really well.

I kind of talked to my family today..

Every time I talk to them, my heart breaks a little more...

I don't know what to do.

I'm too hurt to make a rational decision.

='(

Why isn't how a person treats me more important than their skin color...???

Things will never be fixed.

There's nothing I can do now.

It's out of my hands...

Nothing will ever be the same...


"For every laugh there should be a tear..."- Walt Disney


Well, I guess if Walt was right, I have a lot of laughter coming eventually...



Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost

Thirteen...

You know, if everybody married someone from a different race, then in one generation there would be no prejudice.

CHRISTMAS!! =)

List of things I would like for Christmas...

Starting early lol...

Levistick

Fushigi Balls

Ballon Twisting Books + Supplies

Face Painting Books + Supples

Sign Language Books

Anything on my numerous wishlists... (Hottopic, Torrid, Amazon)

Money

Hot Topic Gift Card

Torrid Gift Card

Amazon Gift Card

Target Gift Card

A Colorful Confession...

So... I haven't posted in a while... Up until recently, not much has changed...

Life was pretty decent...

Just living life, day to day...

Things have changed though...

I met this guy. Things are going slow... I really like him though.

He came to church on Friday with me =)

I think he really had some kind of an experience, but that's his business unless he decides to tell me.

I ended up staying with his family over the weekend. Nothing crazy.. judge me if you want, for I am beyond caring.

Well Sunday morning comes around.. and my phone wouldn't stay plugged in... so it died, and my alarm didn't go off...

Dad calls me flipping out.. calls me a liar over the phone, then tells my stepmother I'm a deceiver...

LOL - Have you ever walked away from a fight, and thought of all the things you SHOULD have said? It may be possible that that's where "deceiver" came into play...

ANYWHO... I go to work the haunted house, and my mom picks me up. My dad had called, and wanted to talk to her, not me, her.

(By the way, this is hear say.. because, like I said... I wasn't asked for.)


IN a pecan shell... He asked her if she knew where I was.
She said, 'at a friends house.'

"No. She was at her ni**er boyfriends house... or is that news to you?"

"I didn't know if they were dating or not."

Blah Blah Blah... He saw it on my facebook, mom is ok with it.. Blah Blah Blah



Finally, it comes down to...

He is done with me. He has no desire to see or talk to me. I am unacceptable, and unwelcome in his home. He is finished.. Also he is completely irresponsible for "what I have become," because I just never listened to him. Last but not least... "I'm throwing my life in the toilet, and I better be careful before he flushes it for me." (WTH does that even mean?)(I have a few ideas.. but I don't want to think about it)

I was also informed that my grandmother feels the same way. I talked to her, and she stood firm...

I really don't know what to do. I REALLY think that this WHOLE thing is being blown WAY WAY WAY out of proportion. But... I guess I really don't have a say. My grandma said that I was the one making the choice... It doesn't feel that way though.

I care about this guy... and he's really good to me, so why would I deny him a chance because of the color of his skin? I just think its ridiculous.

It hurts though, that they would try to FORCE me to make a decision to go against my morals, by cutting themselves out of my life.

Now... Since Sunday, I have cried for a few days, considered suicide, talked myself out of that. (I'm not psycho, just hurt.) Then talked to a few people, and calmed down to a point where I'm thinking somewhat logically...

My current thoughts...

1. I will not go against what I believe.

2. If a guy is going to treat me right, and isn't a worthless bum, then I will give him a fair chance.

3. I wish I could fully comprehend my family's reasoning.

4. I'm not okay, but I'm dealing.

You know... I understand and appreciate the fact, that they feel so strongly about this subject and are trying to "protect" me, for all intensive purposes. However, the world I live in, is a lot different than the world they grew up in. I don't know what to think.

It just bothers me, because they have never even spoken to him... just saw some pictures on Facebook...

My mom said she thinks he used the words "ni**er lover" to describe me...

If that's the case, then I would have to say he's right. I love black people, white people, tan people, Italian people, Asian people, Indian people, Arabic people, I DONT CARE WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS!!!!

You know why? Because I'm a Christian, and the Bible says to love everyone, and to try to be like Jesus...

God loves everyone the same. I want to be like Jesus.

I don't know, I'm still hurt. I wish I could figure this out, but for now... I'm just living life, the way it goes. See where it takes me...

You think the only people, who are people
Are the people who look and think like you...
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger,
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew...

Convenience

You, all of you, you know who you are.
Why do you disappoint me always???
I trust you...
and then get stabbed in the back.
EVERY TIME
I'm sick of this.
Where I come from there are things we believe in..
Honesty
Faith
Respect
Hospitality
Consideration of Feelings
I am ALWAYS there for you
But when are you here for me?
Because last time I checked.
I am here
Alone
Broken
Hurt
But why should I expect you to notice?
After all...
Ever since I moved everything has fallen apart.
I just want some to CARE
And treat me right!
Whatever
I guess you all are only my friends when its convenient
for you...

Please...

Dear Jesus...

Please save my Daddy....

Amen...

='(

Falling in Love, With Jesus, Was the Best thing I've Ever Done

Sooo my best friend got baptized today =) Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! It's pretty awesome. Made me think about my own baptism. Both with water and fire. God is so awesome the way He does things. He can take something so broken and worthless, and turn it into something beautiful. That's what He did for me. It's so great that no matter what you do, He'll still be there!!

I just really love Jesus. I guess some people find it strange that I am so in love with Him, but why wouldn't I be? I mean, He came here and DIED for me. The fact that He loves me as much as He does, makes me love him so much more. Wow.. kind of in shock. Falling in love with Jesus really was the best thing I've ever done. I could never turn back to the way I was, I want to keep moving forward. I want to stop the sin that I've been dealing with. I want it over. Its hard though, sometimes. When you get so used to something and then decide to stop. I need to change. I'll figure this out =)

Lifeless

Taking deep breaths,
in a vacuumed place,
I am the winner,
in a stand-still race.
A love I hate,
A hate I love,
Fills my heart,
The tragic beauty
Of that dying dove.
Never say when,
For when you say never,
You give up life,
Forever and ever
Never giving in,
and always giving up,
Falling in love,
And then rising above.
Falling to pieces,
Silent screaming alway,
You never can tell,
When life fades away...

I will confess...

I don't know anymore...

I always do this..


Think what you will.
Judge as you wish,
But for not even one moment,
Believe that you are better than me.

I Know I'm Somebody 'Cuz God Don't Make No Junk.

So.. short blog...

I am not perfect.

Stop treating me like I pretend to be.

I make mistakes.

JUST LIKE YOU.

If you want to call me names over the Internet then I laugh at you.

You think your cool, but its really ridiculous.

However....

I am not a piece of junk.

Stop treating me like I am.

I am NOT someone that will appreciate your "opinions."

So keep them to yourself.

If you dont like me, then dont add me on social networks.

When you add people, they are called your "friends."

So if you don't like me, for some made up reason, dont add me.

Duh?

Yea...people bug me...

but.....

God is Great. Life is good, and People Are Crazy.

Heyya....

So here I am. God is good. =)

I really don't know EXACTLY what to talk about. I have so many thoughts floating around in my mind, and I can't seem to focus on just one.

Start with..........ladies conference.

SO i just got back from Ladies Conference this weekend. It was AWESOME. Sister Janice Sjostrand was AMAZING. I will never forget her. There were many things she talked about that touched me. She spoke a lot about Esther. This interested me, because I always loved the story of Esther and sort of "looked up to her." I thought,'Wow, I'd really like to be like her, and have God use me like her one day." However, I couldn't understand what the difference was between me and Esther. Sis Sjostrand cleared this up for me.....

Obedience....

Now... if you know me, then you know I am a very stubborn person. I like things to be done my way, and I don't like orders. Esther was obedient. She did what was asked of her. She was considered "lovely." SO now, I understand. That I need to stop. I need to stop and shut my mouth. I need to stop arguing with my dad, and I need to stop arguing with my Pastor, and I need to STOP arguing with my God. Because they LOVE me, and they are trying to lead me the way i should be going.

I also got to speak with her on the last morning of the conference. This service was difficult for me. It was a lot about mothers...My mother was not present at this conference. I also spent a lot of this service weeping over that fact. The devil has tried to trick me into believing that I cannot be lead in church because my own mother isn't there to guide me. I got to speak with Sis Sjostrand about this...and she prayed for me. After she prayed for me. I can't even begin to describe the feeling on my when she touched me. The presence of God just flows from her. WOW...I don't even know where to begin to explain it.. so I'm not going to try to... Sorry if that disappoints. She looked me in the eye...and told me to straighten my shoulders and keep my head up. She said that even though my own mother isn't here worshiping with me, YET, that I can find strength in the other women in my church. I have mothers and sisters and aunts right there with me. Women with far more experience than me. I can learn from these women if I open myself up to be taught.

There were a few women that came to my mind at that moment. one of whom I have privately thanked since then. This girl is probably my best friend. I doubt she thinks of me that way, but to me... she is my best friend. If I had been raised on the pew, she is like the older sister I could have had. She always seems so wise, and usually has great advice for me. If she can't give me advice, she will pray for me. I really do covet her prayers. I really don't know if she has any idea as to the capacity of which God has used her in my life. I love this girl. She is my Sister. I am so thankful that God let our paths cross.

There has been some drama lately too, but right now, I am content with this piece, and believe that I may write of it another day. If I don't, well then maybe I don't need to. Maybe the world could use one less blog filled with drama...I don't know. In a nutshell...

Boys are annoying, 99% of the time.
There's currently one that doesn't get on my nerves as much as some other ones.
There is also one that gets on my nerves more than any of the other ones.
These two seem to like to fight.
I feel like they're fighting because of me.
This makes me sad.
I finally snapped and told them both to stop and leave me out of it because I wasn't going to take it anymore.
This will probably be told to my Pastor, in more or less words all twisted up in a manner that it wasn't meant.
Then I will have to sort all this out, yet again.

Oh well. God is good and I'm Living Life and Loving Jesus. There's no better way to exist. =)
<3

Take Your Beating With A Smile =)

So... lately I've been taking a serious beating from the devil...but I WILL overcome in the Name of Jesus...I been sitting here thinking about what I'm going to say tomorrow when I testify... and I need to testify...I'm just not sure what to say.

Basically, I've been playing by the devils rules. That's such a bug mistake, and I refuse to be bound anymore. I am free because I was bought by the Blood of Jesus. If I continue to live my old life, then I let Him die in vain. this will not happen.

The strength God has put in before, He can put in me again. I'm trusting Him now. I need to. When I came up out of that water, I was a new creature. I know this, because the Bible tells me so. I do not have to live by my old rules. I am so so so thankful.

I mess up all the time. It's hard..because friends of mine here, that aren't in church, sometimes put me on a pedestal of sorts. Its hard to say if I like this or not. I do, because, then I have a chance to bring them to Jesus. I don't, because, I'm not perfect. I am human, and humans will always let you down. So when I mess up, then they look at me as if I'm a hypocrite. I never claimed to be anything other then a sinner saved by Grace.

So, this week. I made a lot of bad choices, that led to a lot of bad consequences. I even went as far as saying that I didn't want to attend church anymore. This isn't going to happen. I will not let the devil steal my victory yet again. He has taken too much territory and too many things in my life. I will not allow one more inch, with the help of God. I can't do anything without Jesus, so I trust Him to keep my battlefield protected.

I want to publicly thank Him for His Mercy, Grace, and Forgiveness. I am so excited to know that He knows who I am, and loves me anyway. No matter how badly I mess up, I can still run to Him and everything will be made right. All things work together for those that love God. I love Him, more than anything. So, I know this promise pertains to me. Thank You Jesus for Your promises, and Your Truth. Thank You for letting me experience You. <3


"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Job

So...everything sucks...yea pretty much....

Phone...stolen by a "friend."

Lied to by "friend" while having a panic attack.

Lied to again.

Reprimanded.

Kicked out of my house.

Fighting fighting fighting.

Harassed at school.

Wallet with everything someone needs to steal my ID in it...stolen...

Can I go to Heaven now?

Jesus I need You

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size

Okay...sooo I'm pretty sick right now...but i really just HAD to blog about this....

Alright, so you know, from the last blog, about this creepy guy that told everyone about some awful, horrible, mean thing that i said....well i found out what i did...when he walked in the door.. i said... are you ready for it?




"Oh, wow."

Yep, that's it..like..are you serious? I don't even know...

So yes...I must be the meanest person to walk the planet. It's just like...I can't believe that something like that could hurt him as bad as he's making it out to be...My opinion...it was to get attention, and make me look bad because he's angry at me, and for no reason, I may add. Whatever...If something like two words "Oh, wow" not even said to you, makes you cry like that, for REAL? Then you need to grow up...

I have now confirmed my suspicions that this guy is mentally unstable

Just Breathe.....

So my friend yelled at me because I haven't posted since January. I told her I would post, and I'm not about to make myself a liar, so here I am. Have you missed me?

I've been really busy with school and such. SOOO much has happened. A few guys have come and gone. Blah Blah Blah. I'm really boring. I know. Sorry.

I'm just dealing with drama right now. 2 guys have been a big deal. When i broke things off, one became a stalker, and the other went suicidal on me. I don't know...but its frustrating. I think God is just trying to teach me that I shouldn't be dating outside of the church. This is something I already know, but have ignored. Honestly, i don't think i will anymore...it leads to too many bad situations. God has rules for a reason.

One of the guys...I don't even know what to do with. We dated for like 2 weeks. It was pretty good for a little while. Things were going okay. He even went to church and was baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost. Awesome, but really, he turned out to be a bum, and messed up a lot of things and fled the area to live with a girl I'm pretty sure he met on myspace. Yay for him. Before leaving, he made sure to tell many of my friends how I broke his heart miserabley. Whatever. I pretty much made it clear that I didn't want him to be a part of my life until we both hit Heaven. I really hope he makes it, but I just don't want him in my life. Then, after not hearing from him in a few weeks. He shows up at Easter service. I was basically in shock, and decided that speaking to him may not be the best idea. So I left it alone, for then. Later, after service, I get a call from my Pastor. Apparently, he told my Pastor that I said something so awful and hurtful to him that he couldn't even explain. I had no idea what was going on. I told my Pastor the truth about what happened and left it at that. However, I guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.

Today, I get an email on www.mysapostolicnetwork.com from him asking me how I could do such a horrible thing to him. It hurt him so bad and he couldn't stop crying. I honestly have no CLUE what I did. I dont know what to do now. He hangs out around my college, even though he doesn't even go there. He makes me afraid. I believe he's mentally unstable. I do know for a fact that he's a pathological liar. He's lied to me and to my friends too many times to count.

I dont know. I'm basically at a loss right now. I'm seriously considering dropping out of my school after Spring, and moving somewhere to get away from him. I don't want to get a restraining order, because he DOES need church...and if i go there, then he could file me on entrapment charges. I'm so confused about what to do... All the time i either feel like crying or throwing up...

Im just trusting God with this. He knows where I am and promised never to give me more than I can handle...soooo I'm just trusting that He's going to bring me through...

Thought? Comments? Apple pie????

EW ITS LIKE CHICKEN ABORTION!!!!

Past few days have been interesting...heres the readers digest version...

Megan and i are together...hahahahahaha that always proves interesting

"I'm hungary."

"It's like chicken abortion."

"Do you like pudding?"

" Stir it vigorously."

"Am I stirring vigorously?"

"Not too vigorously, cuz it will spill..."

"Stroke it at a medium pace."

"I think I'm gonna drink it..."

"Lets watch paranormal activity, please please, please? I heard it was stupid and not that scary."

Crying, Prayer, Tounges, Oil on every door and window...

"You only think i did that because I'm black..."

Sleeeeeeep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

"Good morning sunshine...."

"Howdy..."

GOTTA GO GOTTA GO GOTTA GO!!!!!!

Screaming, awkwardness...

More sleep...

Hocky game = drama

Home...
Homework..
Hospital


MMMMM cake

MMMM slaw

Sleep....


yup.. thats about it