It's a Slow Fade...

As I lay here, at 3am, tears streaming down my cheeks, in a dark space in time when no one can hear me, I am feeling things I have hidden away. I have hidden these things, even from myself.

It's funny, how movies can make you remember things. They can take you back to a place in time that you have long forgotten. They can take you back to being 15, and in love for the first time. They will take you back to your wedding day, your child's birth, your high school graduation. They can even take you back to being a lonely, sobbing, 7 year old girl. She is so confused at why things are happening the way there are. She cannot comprehend why daddy is screaming, and why he is shaking so hard. She hates feeling so useless as her mom tells her that she has to leave. She wants more than anything to fix things. "Mommy, don't go!" she cries, "Daddy, please stop yelling, you're scaring me!" Then, when the tears are becoming uncontrollable, the neighbor whisks her away upstairs to play. She does not know this, but this is her father's girlfriend. The very woman ripping this child's life to shreds. This snake of a woman, who was supposed to be mommy's friend, comes sneaking in like a thief. She steals this life, or tries to at least. I hate this woman.

I hate laying here feeling like a 7 year old girl, but i have never realized just how broken my heart still is. I've hidden it away. Kept it from anything that might break it anymore, anything that might shatter it into a fine powder that I cannot even collect. Without my heart, there is that void in me....A void that i have tried to fill with anything and everything. Art, food, men, sex, drugs, and lies have all let me down, and the aching steadily grows worse. This aching that hurts so bad that it numbs away some of the time. This is why i fall to my knees at the cross. My Father in Heaven is the only One who has EVER consumed every corner in my cracked life. I keep running back to Him. Only to find myself drifted away weeks later.

I hate being a yo-yo. Going up and down and up and down. Taking a loop every once in a while, when someone feels like pulling a special trick. However. i never cease to feel like I'm spinning out of control. I love control. This could be my problem. I have yet to give up total control to Him, the only One who can fix things...The truth is... I really don't know how.... i have said many, many times in prayer... "Lord, take control, its Yours, I don't want it anymore." But i guess I really never gave it up. i really wish I could. Lord....teach to me to let go....

I hate hating....I hate having this anger built up inside of me. I can't go to the source anymore. No, because we don't talk about things. We don't talk about when we were sinful. No one owns up to anything they did or said. So why should I? Okay, i know that was wrong to say...but, i can't stand going out on a limb or making myself vulnerable, only to be Shut down and broken into pieces.

I guess I should bring this to a close. I feel like this is a milestone for me. I never knew that i felt this way. I never knew that there were things from my childhood that i had no closure in. I think knowing and admitting these things to myself is a start. But right now, I want to cry. I want to cry my life out in front my Lord. I just want to cry, and someone be there to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But there is no one. There is no one that cares enough to listen to me. That is why i don't care how personal these get, because there is no body taking time out of their busy lives to read it. So, if by any chance, you, my reader, are reading my story. I ask that you do not pity me. I have pity from everyone in my life, and it is not a fun thing. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you, when if you could have one thing in the world, it would be to blend in. In life, I do like to stand out, but there are times, you just want people's glances to shift away from you. However, I thank you, dear reader, for having the heart to listen to this pathetic piece of my life.

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises
The end is always near

Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
Leave broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade
When you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

Praise Him for the Victory

So, I am home from church and just wanted to put down my thoughts from the day...

Church was so amazing... We had 2 guest speakers today. The thing is, they were so in sync that it had to be God. We as a generation need to find a boldness, from God. The boldness of a Lion. We need to look the enemy in the eye and say 'NO MORE!" We will no longer sit as captives. We will no longer be hushed and intimidated into silence. We are going to stand tall for the King of Kings, and claim the victory! I heard it said once...that if you flip to the back of the book, WE WIN! Why should we sit in fear when it is already known to us that we HAVE the victory?!? We should praise God for the victory NOW, to show Him that we really believe Him when He says He is going to do something.

Pastor said something that really hit home for me... When you go to the hospital with a heart problem, they will hook you up to the monitor. Once you are hooked up, that is what the doctors are going to look at to check the status of your heart. Well, the monitor for your faith is your praise! God is checking to see if you really believe when you say you are..by looking at how much you praise Him. If you really believe God is going to do what He promises you, then you should be praising Him in advance.

I have more to say, but right now, i really don't feel good. But I am not claiming sickness. I have been prayed for mutiple times, and the Word says that 'they shall lay hands on the sick and they SHALL recover!" and "by His stripes we ARE healed." It leaves no room for maybes, so I am claiming my healing now. <3

I'll write more some time tomarow! Good night...

The Truth Will Set You Free

Kayy.. so i just got back from some great fellowship with a girl from my church, and girl from a church in the next town over. I love hanging out with other Christians...i feel like it gives me such a Spiritual boost.

I really need to start living whole-heartedly for Jesus. It is that simple. It is a choice that I make every morning. I should wake up, and think ' Today, i will eat pancakes for breakfast, and I am going to live for God.' That is how is should be every morning!!! I am so happy to realize that it is just a CHOICE!!!

While it is just a choice, i really need to stop putting myself in situations where the choice is hard to make. When i go somewhere, i need to think, ' Would Jesus like to go here?' if the answer is no, and if He goes everywhere with me, then WHY AM I DRAGGING HIM THERE ANYWAY?!? He can only help me if I am in His will, and if im not, then I need to stop asking for Him to sop the pain of the burning when i am walking straight into Hell on my own!

God is so good, and I am so happy that I can go straight to Him. I don't have to go through another person, or sit and meditate. I can just go to my Father and talk to Him! I am so happy to know the Truth. I want to stop making excuses for myself and my sin. There are NO EXCUSES ( i love that towel at beach bottom, i need to get me one of those, i wonder if they'll let me buy one?) The Truth says that without Holiness, no man can see the kingdom of God. They can't even peek! God is coming back for the church without a wrinkle or blemish..and we need to find that old-time Holiness again. God has not nd never will change, so why do we seem to think that its okay for His church to change?

Okay, so thinking back to my last post....I have been feeling so confused lately, and that has left the door wide open for that stupid devil to sneak in and mess with me. God is not the author if confusion, so if i am feeling confused, i need to remember that its not of God, and i am not bound to it! I am a child of the all-knowing God, and i should know who i am by now. I need to atrt acting like it.

I am tired of feeling like i should be ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I am tired of living in fear of the devil!! I dont belong to him!!! Jesus paid that price over 2000 yrs ago and bought me from him with the highest price possible! Thank You Jesus! Praise God!

I know God is going to do great things for my city, and i am waiting on Him. =)

Good night world... God is good, and I am thankful...Good night

A Walking Contradiction

So this week has been eventful...but I have some to realize a few things. I don't like the way I am. I wish I didn't act the way I do, but the problem is, I really don't know how to be anything else. I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it. It's all a very confusing thing anymore. I don't want to be single, but I dont want to put time and effort into a relationship that may or may not work out. I can't stand going to classes, but I know that I wont get anywhere without them. I feel like sleeping is a waste of my time, but I seem to be doing an awful lot of it, lately. I have come to realize, that I am a walking contradiction. =(