It's a Slow Fade...

As I lay here, at 3am, tears streaming down my cheeks, in a dark space in time when no one can hear me, I am feeling things I have hidden away. I have hidden these things, even from myself.

It's funny, how movies can make you remember things. They can take you back to a place in time that you have long forgotten. They can take you back to being 15, and in love for the first time. They will take you back to your wedding day, your child's birth, your high school graduation. They can even take you back to being a lonely, sobbing, 7 year old girl. She is so confused at why things are happening the way there are. She cannot comprehend why daddy is screaming, and why he is shaking so hard. She hates feeling so useless as her mom tells her that she has to leave. She wants more than anything to fix things. "Mommy, don't go!" she cries, "Daddy, please stop yelling, you're scaring me!" Then, when the tears are becoming uncontrollable, the neighbor whisks her away upstairs to play. She does not know this, but this is her father's girlfriend. The very woman ripping this child's life to shreds. This snake of a woman, who was supposed to be mommy's friend, comes sneaking in like a thief. She steals this life, or tries to at least. I hate this woman.

I hate laying here feeling like a 7 year old girl, but i have never realized just how broken my heart still is. I've hidden it away. Kept it from anything that might break it anymore, anything that might shatter it into a fine powder that I cannot even collect. Without my heart, there is that void in me....A void that i have tried to fill with anything and everything. Art, food, men, sex, drugs, and lies have all let me down, and the aching steadily grows worse. This aching that hurts so bad that it numbs away some of the time. This is why i fall to my knees at the cross. My Father in Heaven is the only One who has EVER consumed every corner in my cracked life. I keep running back to Him. Only to find myself drifted away weeks later.

I hate being a yo-yo. Going up and down and up and down. Taking a loop every once in a while, when someone feels like pulling a special trick. However. i never cease to feel like I'm spinning out of control. I love control. This could be my problem. I have yet to give up total control to Him, the only One who can fix things...The truth is... I really don't know how.... i have said many, many times in prayer... "Lord, take control, its Yours, I don't want it anymore." But i guess I really never gave it up. i really wish I could. Lord....teach to me to let go....

I hate hating....I hate having this anger built up inside of me. I can't go to the source anymore. No, because we don't talk about things. We don't talk about when we were sinful. No one owns up to anything they did or said. So why should I? Okay, i know that was wrong to say...but, i can't stand going out on a limb or making myself vulnerable, only to be Shut down and broken into pieces.

I guess I should bring this to a close. I feel like this is a milestone for me. I never knew that i felt this way. I never knew that there were things from my childhood that i had no closure in. I think knowing and admitting these things to myself is a start. But right now, I want to cry. I want to cry my life out in front my Lord. I just want to cry, and someone be there to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But there is no one. There is no one that cares enough to listen to me. That is why i don't care how personal these get, because there is no body taking time out of their busy lives to read it. So, if by any chance, you, my reader, are reading my story. I ask that you do not pity me. I have pity from everyone in my life, and it is not a fun thing. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you, when if you could have one thing in the world, it would be to blend in. In life, I do like to stand out, but there are times, you just want people's glances to shift away from you. However, I thank you, dear reader, for having the heart to listen to this pathetic piece of my life.

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises
The end is always near

Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
Leave broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade
When you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking