Thirteen...

You know, if everybody married someone from a different race, then in one generation there would be no prejudice.

CHRISTMAS!! =)

List of things I would like for Christmas...

Starting early lol...

Levistick

Fushigi Balls

Ballon Twisting Books + Supplies

Face Painting Books + Supples

Sign Language Books

Anything on my numerous wishlists... (Hottopic, Torrid, Amazon)

Money

Hot Topic Gift Card

Torrid Gift Card

Amazon Gift Card

Target Gift Card

A Colorful Confession...

So... I haven't posted in a while... Up until recently, not much has changed...

Life was pretty decent...

Just living life, day to day...

Things have changed though...

I met this guy. Things are going slow... I really like him though.

He came to church on Friday with me =)

I think he really had some kind of an experience, but that's his business unless he decides to tell me.

I ended up staying with his family over the weekend. Nothing crazy.. judge me if you want, for I am beyond caring.

Well Sunday morning comes around.. and my phone wouldn't stay plugged in... so it died, and my alarm didn't go off...

Dad calls me flipping out.. calls me a liar over the phone, then tells my stepmother I'm a deceiver...

LOL - Have you ever walked away from a fight, and thought of all the things you SHOULD have said? It may be possible that that's where "deceiver" came into play...

ANYWHO... I go to work the haunted house, and my mom picks me up. My dad had called, and wanted to talk to her, not me, her.

(By the way, this is hear say.. because, like I said... I wasn't asked for.)


IN a pecan shell... He asked her if she knew where I was.
She said, 'at a friends house.'

"No. She was at her ni**er boyfriends house... or is that news to you?"

"I didn't know if they were dating or not."

Blah Blah Blah... He saw it on my facebook, mom is ok with it.. Blah Blah Blah



Finally, it comes down to...

He is done with me. He has no desire to see or talk to me. I am unacceptable, and unwelcome in his home. He is finished.. Also he is completely irresponsible for "what I have become," because I just never listened to him. Last but not least... "I'm throwing my life in the toilet, and I better be careful before he flushes it for me." (WTH does that even mean?)(I have a few ideas.. but I don't want to think about it)

I was also informed that my grandmother feels the same way. I talked to her, and she stood firm...

I really don't know what to do. I REALLY think that this WHOLE thing is being blown WAY WAY WAY out of proportion. But... I guess I really don't have a say. My grandma said that I was the one making the choice... It doesn't feel that way though.

I care about this guy... and he's really good to me, so why would I deny him a chance because of the color of his skin? I just think its ridiculous.

It hurts though, that they would try to FORCE me to make a decision to go against my morals, by cutting themselves out of my life.

Now... Since Sunday, I have cried for a few days, considered suicide, talked myself out of that. (I'm not psycho, just hurt.) Then talked to a few people, and calmed down to a point where I'm thinking somewhat logically...

My current thoughts...

1. I will not go against what I believe.

2. If a guy is going to treat me right, and isn't a worthless bum, then I will give him a fair chance.

3. I wish I could fully comprehend my family's reasoning.

4. I'm not okay, but I'm dealing.

You know... I understand and appreciate the fact, that they feel so strongly about this subject and are trying to "protect" me, for all intensive purposes. However, the world I live in, is a lot different than the world they grew up in. I don't know what to think.

It just bothers me, because they have never even spoken to him... just saw some pictures on Facebook...

My mom said she thinks he used the words "ni**er lover" to describe me...

If that's the case, then I would have to say he's right. I love black people, white people, tan people, Italian people, Asian people, Indian people, Arabic people, I DONT CARE WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS!!!!

You know why? Because I'm a Christian, and the Bible says to love everyone, and to try to be like Jesus...

God loves everyone the same. I want to be like Jesus.

I don't know, I'm still hurt. I wish I could figure this out, but for now... I'm just living life, the way it goes. See where it takes me...

You think the only people, who are people
Are the people who look and think like you...
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger,
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew...

Convenience

You, all of you, you know who you are.
Why do you disappoint me always???
I trust you...
and then get stabbed in the back.
EVERY TIME
I'm sick of this.
Where I come from there are things we believe in..
Honesty
Faith
Respect
Hospitality
Consideration of Feelings
I am ALWAYS there for you
But when are you here for me?
Because last time I checked.
I am here
Alone
Broken
Hurt
But why should I expect you to notice?
After all...
Ever since I moved everything has fallen apart.
I just want some to CARE
And treat me right!
Whatever
I guess you all are only my friends when its convenient
for you...

Please...

Dear Jesus...

Please save my Daddy....

Amen...

='(

Falling in Love, With Jesus, Was the Best thing I've Ever Done

Sooo my best friend got baptized today =) Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! It's pretty awesome. Made me think about my own baptism. Both with water and fire. God is so awesome the way He does things. He can take something so broken and worthless, and turn it into something beautiful. That's what He did for me. It's so great that no matter what you do, He'll still be there!!

I just really love Jesus. I guess some people find it strange that I am so in love with Him, but why wouldn't I be? I mean, He came here and DIED for me. The fact that He loves me as much as He does, makes me love him so much more. Wow.. kind of in shock. Falling in love with Jesus really was the best thing I've ever done. I could never turn back to the way I was, I want to keep moving forward. I want to stop the sin that I've been dealing with. I want it over. Its hard though, sometimes. When you get so used to something and then decide to stop. I need to change. I'll figure this out =)

Lifeless

Taking deep breaths,
in a vacuumed place,
I am the winner,
in a stand-still race.
A love I hate,
A hate I love,
Fills my heart,
The tragic beauty
Of that dying dove.
Never say when,
For when you say never,
You give up life,
Forever and ever
Never giving in,
and always giving up,
Falling in love,
And then rising above.
Falling to pieces,
Silent screaming alway,
You never can tell,
When life fades away...